Learning to trust God

I can't believe that it is almost October. I should be getting excited about coming home for the first time all semester and going to the beach for fall break....I'm not, because I'm already here. Although, I am going to the beach and super excited, I'll just be leaving with my mom and sister instead of driving myself and meeting everyone. Anyways, it's hard to believe I'm in week 9 of my internship. After this week I only have 10weeks left in this and I'm done!!! Wow that is super hard to believe. It has been great so far. I've been in the OR and in the ED. Now I'm in the NICU. Life still hasn't gotten that much easier here in the QC. I mean I'm learning to accept that this is the way things are going to be and that I have to just go with it. I have my days though where I'm super happy and excited to be here and hanging out with people and have my family close by....then like a random summer shower I'm crying because I miss Greenville and all my friends. It's crazy, it's like a rollercoaster that I'm ready to get off of. I still don't feel like I'm ready to really venture out on my own. I still find myself wondering why I'm here, where I'm supposed to be going to church, who my friends are here, etc. Talking to my sister the other night just made me realize that what I'm going through is normal, that it's a hard adjustment moving back to a place where you've got no one. All though I do have people here. My whole family is here, my best friend is here, my twins here, another friend from high school is here...but I still don't know why I still feel so lonely most of the time. On anther note, I'm learning how to pray audacious prayers. Actually I'm trying to learn to listen and to obey God. I'm not the best when it comes to completely trusting or listening. Sometimes I just really don't know how to take the next step...whether it be in my life or in my faith. Sometimes I just feel stuck in this same place, not knowing whether to go forward, backwards, left or right. So I'm praying, praying God show me where to go, how to get there, and how to continue in my faith without going 3 steps back! So by God's grace I will get there. Until then I will continue in my walk with God and try to get more in to the word.

Real World, Real Life...

I have started my internship. Just finished up week 1 and tomorrow I start week 2. I can't belive that I have already started. 19 more weeks to go!! It went fairly well this week. I was pretty nervous going in to it and I think that I may be more nervous in the coming weeks because soon I will be preparing patients and their families! I am in the OR right now for these first 4 weeks and then I am going to the ED (Emergency Department) then I think Blume Clinic (hematology/oncology) then NICU then PEDS! :) I am so excited to be able to do this internship. Everyone I have met so far have been so nice. This past Friday, Me, Greg, and Diane got to go on the community cruiser that Presbyterian has. It is an 18 wheeler truck that is made like a doctors office inside. Diane and I got to be the ones to distract the children while they were getting shots, and Greg helped us when we were lost. He is one of the child life specialist at Presbyterian. It was a lot of fun and a day outside of the hospital. It can get a little crazy down in the basement and you can feel a little blah when you don't see outdoors all day long. I have had to get up around 5:00 and be at the hospital by 6:30am, but the good thing is for this rotation I am done at 2:00 each day. I'm really glad to have started...but, I still really miss greenville and my roommates and the atmosphere that I used to live in there. It's still really weird here and I have yet to find my place...but I will eventually I am sure. Today Joyce came to visit me and it was great, but it left me feeling sad inside...hoping this whole living here in Charlotte with my sister thing gets easier one day...I know eventually it will. For now, I'm just living it up at the hospital each day and loving every minute of it :)

Missing it all...

So I've officially moved back to Charlotte. Wow...this seems so surreal and I still think at times that I'm only here for the weekend and that I'll soon be packing up and going back to Greenville. Then reality hits me like a ton of bricks and I realize that my life there is over and it's time to start a new one here. I've moved in with my sister and her other roommate and don't get me wrong, I love it! I have wanted nothing less then to move back to Charlotte, but now that I'm here for good I want nothing more then to be back in Greenville with my girls! I know that we've all dispersed but that doesn't seem to make it any easier. I see my sister and her roommate and it only reminds me of the times my roommates and I had. Dinners, life talks, car rides, singing, etc. I know that this will get easier but right now it's super hard. 4 years ago I wanted to come home for good. I wanted to move back and go to UNCC but I didn't because something or someone told me to just stick it out and I did. Best choice of my life and now it hurts knowing that that chapter there is really over and I have to start anew. I'm not sad to be back, but I'm lost...where do I go, what do I do, who do I do it with...the list could go on. I want things to be like they were in Greenville and that's not going to happen. I know starting my internship will keep me pre-occupied but for the time being I'm very quiet, lonely, looking for my place, and trying to fit in to this new life that I'm trying to make. I feel like a circle piece of a puzzle made for a square piece. I know God has me in Charlotte for a reason. I prayed for Charlotte and one day I'll hopefully find the answer as to why I am back here. Why we all had to leave Gville...but until then I will try to be happy and continuously asking God to help me through because I know that He will-he has a plan and I am open to see what's ahead.

Miss you grandma

Well yesterday marked the one year anniversary of my grandmother's death...I can't believe that it has been an entire year. I miss her like crazy and it seems like more more and more as the days go by. I miss going to visit her at The Regency, I miss wheeling her into her room and picking her outfits out for the week w/her jewlery. I miss going to Wine and cheese on Friday's w/her and my grandpa. I miss her yelling at my uncle and I when we aggravate each other (or her) during family dinners. I miss her smell, her soft, gentle hands. I miss combing her soft, fluffy, white hair and painting her ever so long fingernails. I miss going home and her asking me how school is, whether she really wanted to know or not, I miss her asking me what was new and how my love life was. I just miss her! She was so strong, even when she felt so weak. She taught me so much in life whether she knows it or not. Getting together w/the family is not the same anymore and there is always something missing and it's her...I know that she is with us and watching down from heaven, but it doesn't always make the missing her part any easier. The day we had to say goodbye was probably the hardeset day of my life so far and it will forever be engraved in my mind. Looking at the casket during the wake knowing that she was in there, wishing this was a dream, wanting to yell out that they can't close her in there, that they can't bury her, nothing...why? because I'm not ready, because it can't be real-but I had to realize that I wasn't sleeping and this was reality and it was my grandmother's time to gain her angel wings and fly to heaven to be with her mother and father again! I miss you grandma and I love you!

I survived

So, I went to Oklahoma the other week with my mom, sister, and grandfather to visit family that I have never met before. It was awesome. However, we had to fly to get there and well....I'm not real big on flying. We had to switch planes in Houston and Atlanta and I really wasn't keen on that either-but I wanted to get there and this is what I had to do. I sat with my mom on the isle seat on all 4 planes and didn't start looking out the window until about the 3rd flight. However, being up above the clouds was just so surreal and amazing. I was in awe of God's glory. It was raining in OK when we left Monday evening and we got above those clouds and the sun was shining to brightly-if I didn't already believe this would have made me. I prayed the whole time we were on those flights for God to just keep us safe and get us there and back. I have never been so relieved to see my dad at midnight and to be on the ground. However,the trip itself was just so great. I meet 5 of 9 of my moms cousins, my grandfather's 78 year old sister and her husband and meet cousins I didn't know I had. It was awesome. For years I've thought that I had this tiny little family and now I know that I have quite a large family. And although they are miles away, we could still contact them if we were in need. Leaving was bittersweet-wondering if my grandfather would ever see his sister again or his niece and nephews. Its been 30 years since he's been to OK and probably a good 10 since he's seen his sister-my grandfather is 87 years old and will be 88 in September. And although when I look at him I do not see an 87 year old man I know he is and it makes me sad to think this may have been the last time until they meet again in heaven. He had so much fun and what a way to leave :) Just though I'd share these things.

Am I ready?

Over the past few weeks I have been extremely not busy to be able to sit and ponder life...this does not always go over well. I have really wondered if I am ready to leave Greenville, to leave the world I know, the friends I have made, the life that I have lived and have come to really enjoy over the past 4 years. I keep wondering if I've picked the right major if I can really do what I have been taught to do. Am I really ready to live in a world that I am no familiar with? The real world, the working world, the world of grown ups? College life has been so easy and I am elated about getting and internship and being able to move back to Charlotte and in with my sister...but will Charlotte be what I have known it to be once I'm back for good? Am I ready to not be immature when I want to be, to act like I have some sense when I don't always, to make new friends, when I've got ones here I like just fine, to pick another church-because who knows where I'll end up going once I'm back...Stough....Elevation....my own place???? God only knows. I trust God completly with my life and I know that He will take care of me and with Him by my side that I will be ready for what ever is thrown my way, but right now I'm questioning it all..why? Because it's change and I don't do well with change even though my life needs a change. Hopefully I can find some way to become ok with all of this by mid July when it's time to peace out of here but right now between my friends and I "leaving" isn't mentioned much and the summer is going way too fast for our liking!

I will not be moved

As I sat at church this morning listening to a song that the choir sang I was not only reminded of where I was a year ago with my life, but touched by the grace I have been shown through this past year. I will admit, it wasn't an easy year, but it was one that I will always remember because I believe that it has turned my life around. The song they sang this morning was, "I will not be moved" by Natalie Grant. The words are as followed:

"I have been the way-ward child

I have acted out

I have questioned sovereignty

and have my share of doubts

and though sometimes my prayers feel like, they're bouncing off the sky

the hand I hold won't let me go and this is the reason why...

I will stumble, I fall down, but I will not moved

I will make mistakes I will face heart-ache but i will not be moved

on Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand...

I will not be moved.

Bitterness has plagued my heart, many times before

my life has been life broken glass, and I have kept the score

of all my shattered dreams and though it seems

that I was far too gone

my brokenness helped me to see, It's grace I'm standing on

Chorus:

I will stumble, I will fall down, but I will not be moved

I will make mistakes I will face heart-ache but I will not be moved

on Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand

I will not be moved.

And the chaos in my life

Has been a badge I have worn I know I have been torn

I will not be moved

Nooooo

I will not be moved

I will not be moved

Nooooo

I will make mistakes, I will face heart-ache but I will not be moved

on Christ the solid rock I stand all other ground is sinking sand

I will not be moved

Nooooo

I will not be moved!!!

I feel like this song was written for me almost. I know that others may feel that same way. I just reflect over the past year and realize that I WILL NOT BE MOVED! I stayed in Greenville last summer, it was the best summer I have ever had, for more reasons then I can explain, but also one that showed me a side of me I never knew was there. It was a summer and year of fun, laughter, joy, friends, parties, sadness, death, disappointment, loss, rebirth, excitement, and love! I lost friends, I gained others, I lost my grandmother, but know that she's no longer suffering and I WILL see her again. I didn't get an internship, I didn't get to graduate, I was a person that I hated to be around, a person that made mistakes, a someone who faced many heart-aches and someone who definitely questioned God's sovereignty, but through it all I had God on my side and He never gave up on me. I decided during Christmas break this person was NOT me and that I needed a change in my life and that is what I did! I came back a whole new person. made sure that God was the center of life and that meant cutting others out, which wasn't easy. I now realize that I am better off without certain people, without certain things, and better off with God! I got an internship, I will graduate in December, I am moving back to Charlotte, and I have almost made it through a year without my grandmother. It's amazing to see what God has done in my life. Christ is the solid rock that I am standing on and all other things around me will be sinking sand and I cannot afford to go to those places ever again-moving in a few months will put a whole new weight on my shoulders that I'm not sure that I am ready for. It will bring about great joy, excitement, sadness, pain, and heart-ache. It will make me question things I have never questioned before, or make me start over like I did 4 years ago. But this time I know that I WILL NOT BE MOVED and that I can get through with Christ and by surrounding myself with the ones who love me and will lift me up despite my downfalls. Will you be moved? What ground are you standing on?

encourage one another!

As I'm sitting here at work I realized that I had not updated in a month or so. I guess not much has changed and not much is going on since the last post. I'm happy to say that the year is over and I did well in my classes, better then I thought-one more Dean's List to end my college career! I'm still awaiting a reply on internships and I continue to put my trust in God through this entire experience. I know that his plan for me is greater then any plan I might have made myself. I went to graduation because I had friends graduate and I think it's important to encourage them and be there for them on that day of celebration. It was emotional sitting in a stadium full of cheering families and friends and watching as my fellow pirates walked out on to the field cheering and shouting and jumping for joy. I so badly wanted to be apart of that great experience myself, but it was not my turn yet. I know my turn will be amazing. As I sat in the HOT, scorching sun that burned us all I thought to myself, how blessed I am to not be wearing that hot gown and that hot cap and realized that my family would not have been able to sit through 4 hours if not more in that heat...4 years later and they would miss my graduating-so all in all I think it's better that I wait for December, maybe there will be snow instead and we'll be inside :) I then attended ECU's college of nursing graduation that night and it was exciting to see a new chapter unfold in the lives of many of my friends. Many of my friends are now in search for a job. As we all know those are hard to come by these days. A few have them and a lot more don't. My good friend and neighbor just graduated with her B.S.N. and is now searching for a job herself...she has applied to many hospitals and has been rejected from them all. She just recently got an interview-I have been sending quotes of encouragement each day to her until she gets a job...I think in all actuality it may be brightening my outlook on an internship more then her job perspective. I did it to make her feel calmer, when it's helping me see a more positive side! Through all of this experience with me and my friends it has really taught me how much we have to put our faith in Christ. He will never leave us nor forsake us. It's been great and amazing to see what God has done this past semester in my life and the lives of my friends. I think it's important that we take the time out of our day to encourage the ones around us, and hey, you might be surprised at what that encouragement does for you!

all in all

Well, the semester is coming to an end. We have the rest of this week and next week and we're done...until finals! In a few short weeks I will be watching as many of my friends walk across the stage at minge's Collesium to graduate and begin a new chapter in their lives. I unfortunately will not be joining them due to no internship...BUT my time will come. (hopefully December). I know that God has great things instore for me this summer and up coming fall and I'm excited to see what lies ahead. I can't believe that 4 years is already done and over with. It seems like just yesterday I was graduating high school, moving in to my dorm here and being homesick all first semester. I've gone through the many obstacles over the years. From leaving my bubble in Charlotte, to being homesick, to overcoming a heart problem, to making and losing friends, having fights and making up, passing my classes, making honor roll, deans list, and chancellors list, moving in to an apartment, and the list could go on...but now as I finish out my last few months in this apartment I am filled with happiness, sadness, joy, and fear. I'm happy I made it this far and I didn't give up although I wanted to many times, I'm sad I'll be leaving the life I know here, the friends I have made and the amazing times that I have had, I am joyful to see what God has in store for me, where he wants me and how he wants to mold me. I am fearful of this new chapter in life because just like college, it was something new, it was a change, and I never knew what might come next. However, I am blessed with having had this opportunity to be an ECU Pirate and and ECU Pirate I will always be!!

So proud

When I first started my practicum at the RHA Howell Center, none of the children in my classroom were walking. Jayson and Kiki were learning to stand up against the wall and balance themselves. They were scooting across the classroom and then were pushing foam stools around the room. Well, just this past Thursday Kiki decided to just take off...she is walking everywhere now. I don't know how much longer it will be before we're running after her. It was amazing to see her walk today. I went up with Jill this morning to the social workers office to show the book I had made for another student and as we passed the classroom we peeked in to one of the rooms and Jill said, Kiki's walking...and low and behold I looked in and she was coming towards us grins and all...I about cried. It is just so amazing to see these children grow. Kiki is 2 1/2 years old...but she's learning and she's not letting anything stop her. Jayson isn't too far behind, but may have a little more trouble do to having hip problems. He'd do better with a walker...but he'll get there. Kiki was trying to show him how it was done today and you can tell the bond between the two has already changed because now Kiki is advancing...but Jayson is much further along developmentally, he can't help his legs. We also, just got a little 9 month old baby, who looks like a newborn baby. She had many problems and I heard many of the workers today talk about how they were afraid of her, and how they were scared to give her a bath because she's just so tiny and her head is sooo small. I can't wait to see what improvements she makes in just a month. I sadly only have a few more weeks left there...and it will be hard to leave because in just a short 3 months I have grown to love each other these children individually! Just wanted to share the good news with everyone, it's not everyday this happens. It may seem small to others but it's huge to those who know how far she has come-from a 24 ( i believe) week preemie who almost didn't make it, to walking...God sure is good. Once again he gives us children like these to show us different things in life and to not take the small things for granted...like walking!

Reality...

So, spring break just ended...I must say it was the best spring break I have ever had. It was my last and I definitely went out with a bang!! We went on a cruise to The Bahamas, to Grand Turk, Half Moon Cay (well kinda), and Nassau! It was beautiful. Unforunately we didn't make it to Half Moon Cay because the winds were too bad to get off the boat and on to the other boat that takes us to the island. However, it was still and amazing trip. I laughed until I cried, until my abs hurt and my face hurt. It was much needed, appreciated, and welcomed. We saw shows every night and comedians. One of our girls even played on a game show one night and someone in the audience yelled "purple" as we all yelled "gold" and the entertainer guy goes, "are ya'll playing marco polo?" it was funny. We sang, we danced, and me and Lindsey got pulled in to this Ms. Margaritaville contest thing where we were supposed to shake our butts for all the 1000 + people out there...needless to say we got as far as introducing ourselves and realized we had to do it alone and peaced out (haha). It was great to have someone make my bed, clean my room, and turn my bed down for me every day and night. Someone waited on us hand and foot, at breakfast, lunch and especially dinner. Now I'm back in reality and having to do this all myself and I don't like it. We also had the privelage of eating...no indulging in ice cream 24 hours a day and well we ate 3 or 4 cones a day, no exageration there! I'm going through withdrawals. I can't even put in to words how amazing this trip was and I much I wish I was still there. The car ride down wasn't bad, the car ride back...not so exciting. We all stayed friends, no arguing, nothin! It was great. Nassau was cool. We went snorkeling. The guy told us the water was about 74 degrees...ummm more like below 0. I'm pretty sure I was going hypothermic, but it was awesome to see all the fish, sting rays, and correl up close and personal. I wish I had an underwater camera for that one because it was indescribable!! The streets in Nassau are filled with bargainers. It's a massive tent filled with things the Bahimians make and with knockoff purses, wallets, duffles, etc. It was sad but thats how they live and don't know any different. We bargained with a lady and my friend got a $120 "coach" duffle down to $40. However, they also have really expensive stores like MAC, David Yuman, etc. It was a packed place and Atlantis is huge! Definitely want to go there if I ever get to go back. So..that's my trip in a nut shell. Sooo fun wishing I was not going back to school tomorrow-but there's only 6 weeks left. Home in 3!! Sadly though, my family had to put my Golden Retriever to sleep this past week after 10 years with her. It's almost like loosing a best friend because she was always there, and her love for me was unconditional no matter what I did or said she still was there to love me. It will be sad to go home and know she's not there welcoming me with a jump up and I can't give her anymore treats...I'm not sure how I'll handle this going home...but I'll get through it! All dogs go to heaven I believe that!! She's with my grandma now and making someone else happy being her loveable stinky self! Miss you LoLo!

...

So I got some really bad news tonight regarding the fact that I am not going to be graduating in May with some of my friends and on time...unfortunately I did not get an internship for the summer. I know in my heart that this happened for a reason and that God has a plan for everything, I know that...but right now, it is really hard to make myself believe it! I am upset, I am sad, I am disappointed, I am lost! No ones graduation should depend on whether or not they get an internship, no ones college degree should either and I picked a major where it did happen that way. I will be okay, I will get through this, and I eventually will come to understand the reason behind it all...but right now I don't and that's ok. I just look forward to spring break 2010 in The Bahamas and to a brighter future that God has already planned out for me. More news on this tragic week, that only just begun-we have to put my 10 yr old golden retriever down soon, and it's going to be like losing a best friend. Really needed good news to conteract my bad news I got-but that wasn't the case either, once again this isn't about me, it's about God and I have to realize that. So pray that I continue to see light at the end of this very long tunnel, that I can find my happiness deep down and that I will find the means to accept this-and soon! Thanks!

SO READY!

My whole life my dad has been telling me, don't rush things because one day you'll look back and wish you could go back to that very moment. He's told me to not rush my life away. However, most days I feel like that is what I'm doing. I've got something better for the end of the week, I've got an amazing weekend planned, etc. and I find myself counting down the days till I'm at that moment. Just the other day I was once again talking my dad about the cruise I am taking in a little less than a month and said I was so excited and I wished it was already March 8th. My dad said, I know your excited, but don't wish your life away. I said I know dad but I'm just so ready and I can't wait and it's going to be so much fun. He laughed and said I know pookie, but cherish the days you have between now and then. I laughed and said ok to please him. Then again last night I was at my neighbors house and we were talking about the cruise and trying to figure out how we're getting to Miami, Fl and I we all got so excited just talking about how it's going to be fun, and how it's 5 girls going and well that's craziness and 13 hours in a car in one day, and 5 days together non stop, and 13 hours back to Greenville in one day-wow I hope we are all friends when we return (haha). We were laughing non-stop laast night and I was just so excited again and found myself wishing it was already March 8th and we were leaving for Miami, or make that march 9 and we were on the boat on our way to Gran Turk! Well, I got to thinking...(that's bad sometimes for me) My dads right, why do I wish my life away? Each day that we are given is a gift from God and we should be fully engaged in each day that He has provided for us. Some people are fighting for just one more day, for just a few more hours and here I am just wishing it all away. I think that most of us do this without thinking about it because we're in the moment. But we should take that moment to reflect on what God has given us. I realize that it's not always easy to do this, but I'm definitely going to try and I think that should all try to not take everything we have for granted and realize that we should be happy with the NOW and not look so in to the future. That's when things get messed up, the future is our plan for our life and God is laughing because we're trying to make our own plans when really He is the only person who knows what the future holds. We aren't guarenteed another minute here on earth so why are we looking so far ahead in life when we should be happy with what we've got right this minute!

It's questionable

So I'm sitting here at work, bored as all and this girl walks up to the desk and says to the me and the guy I'm working with, "I just want ya'll to know that Jesus loves you and God bless"-wow! Now being shocked all I said was, "thanks" in return when I should've said, "you too" and more. It catches me by surprise when people do things like this, but it shouldn't. Am I brave enough to walk to strangers and tell them that Jesus loves them? Are you? I can honsetly say, I'm probably not. Sitting in my religion class has taught me a lot, about what I really know about my own religion...I don't know as much as I should, that or I don't think I know it and am too afraid to speak up and say what I think the answer is because I don't want to be made a fool of. Whether I know the answer or not, I sit there in silence and pretend not to, that's how a lot of our christian walk is as well, if we're honest with ourselves. Yes, I raise my hand when asked who in here is a christian, but that's it. I'd raise my hand to that any day, but am I brave enough to really say what Matthew tells us to? "To go out and make disciples of all nations..."? I'm even a part of a christian sorority, but what does that mean when you can't say that your a christian sorority, you have to say your a social sorority with christian ideals...can't even have bible verses on our shirts...what kind of christian group is that? If we're not going to speak up and tell others the good news and really go out in to the world and spread the gospel then what good is our christian walk? We can walk the walk, but can we talk the talk? When pastors at church talk about it, we're excited, we're pumped, AMEN!, HALALUJAH, etc. we're ready to conquer the world with bible in hand, and then...we step out of the walls of church, outside our comfort zone and are faced again with the reality that this is a harsh world we're living in and we're afraid to confront the conflicted, the lost, the broken, we're ashamed to talk about God, yet so willing to talk about others. As soon as gossip hits us, we're out there telling everyone and that news spreads like wildfire, but ya know what? God wants us to be spreading what He has said to everyone, why is it so much more difficult to do that? Are we afraid that we'll be cast away from others, that we'll be made fun of, that we'll be called hypocrits, etc? why should it matter? Jesus wasn't afraid to tell others about God and have them come to Him, he wasn't afraid of anything, He even chose to be beat, stoned, whipped, lashed, stabbed, spit on, and DIE because of it, now if that's not ridicule, then I dont know what is-so what are we really afraid of? So the next time you ask Jesus to let me be a lamp unto your word and light unto your path, remember you've got to really follow through with that and be willing to speak up because people have questions, people are lost, broken, wondering, and we've got all the answers if we're just willing to and if we ask God to take away all our fears so that we can share the good news about him to others!

Whose steering your life?

So here it is...I'm not going to be in Charlotte this summer like I had planned. I do not know where I am going to be. I got a letter in the mail on Friday from Levine Children's Hospital, stating that I did not turn in my coursework requirements from the Child Life Council...well, first I was so mad, at myself, at Levine, at God, at the situation, I was even mad at the piece of paper-if you can be mad at an intangible item. Then I moved to very upset. Had a pity party for myself and prayed to God that he would let me be ok with this. I had mentioned when I was home that I didn't care where I was as long as I got an internship. Truth be told, I wanted to be in Charlotte and no where else. Well God had another plan for my life. I don't know what that plan is just yet, but I know that it is going to be amazing and I know that it will be so much better than any plan I would have chosen. This brings me to Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." That in and of itself makes me have a peace about the entire situation. I came to realize that this isn't about where I want to be, this is where God needs me to be. I have put full faith in to God in this situation and taken my seat in the passenger side and am now letting God steer my life, he's in control and to succeed and to get anywhere I need him to have FULL control and not just work the gear shift. Looking on as a passenger now, I can see so much more, I can feel so much better; about life, about the small things, about me, and I can see God working in my life so much more. A few months ago this would have gotten me down really far, I'd be so unhappy that I wasn't going to be where I wanted most, but in just a few months I've come to realize and understand how much this life ISN'T about ME! I've totally changed from the person I was last semester and I'm so happy about that. God is still working miracles and I'm so blessed to be a part of those and to be able to someway be a beacon to others through Him!

Grateful

Today I went to training for where I will be at this semester for one of my classes. I have been given the opportunity to work at the RHA Howell Center. It is a center for children who are physically and mentally disabled. Some have severe medical needs, but do not need hospitalization. Some, their parents cannot afford their medical supplies, and others have been abused in some way shape or form. Most all of these children have trachs and are dependent on others for their needs. Not many can walk and not many are fed by mouth, but through a GTube. It breaks my heart to see these children, but at the same time I am so grateful that they have places such as this where they can get the love and support and medical needs that they need to survive. Many people would come in there and see helpess children, children lying immobilized with tubes, or helmets, or some other equipment. However, they are far from any of those things. They aren't helpess, they can strive like any other child, just at a different rate and pace, they aren't immobilized, they love the rough and tumble play that any toddler or preschooler does. Yes, they have machines, and helmets, and wheelchairs and yes, they lie still most of the time, but they love the attention, the warmth of someone stroking their hair, reading them a story, singing them a song or helping them grasp a toy.
Through these children I see the work of Christ, not only working in me, but in them, and in the ones that care for them. Christ has a plan for all of our lives, our days are numbered and he knows everything about us. Some would ask, "why does God create children like this?" my simple answer to that, is because it helps others realized how grateful they should be for their lives. We need these children in our lives to show us how simple life can be if we let it. Sometimes you just have to let others care for you. I'm not one to let others do that easily, but watching these children teaches me that it's ok to need the support of others. We need to learn to lean on Christ when we need help and when we need our needs met. He will never let us go without the things that we need. He wants to spend time with us. He wants us to be still and know that He is God. He wants to stroke our hair, read us His book, sing us songs of praise, and be the warmth that so many of us need.
So today, take the time to let Christ in, to let him love you unconditionaly. Let him be your rock.

Here goes

So, I do not know why I am about to start this. I do not know what my intentions are, or if anyone will even ever read it. But that's ok. It might benefit just one individual and most definitely benefit me! So...here goes!

So often I sit for hours on end when I have time (which is rare) or when I feel like I need a pick me up and I sit and read peoples blogs...taking in what they say and reflecting on my own life and the things that I have done that day and see where I might fall in to place. So often, I take just one thing that someone writes and disect it in to how that relates to my own life events and what I am going through that day or week or month.

I say all this in hopes that someone will take just one thing that I say to heart and be able to disect it a little further and find true meaning as to where they might stand in that situation. Being a college student I am faced with many trials, tribulations, temptations, etc that go along with the "college" lifestyle. Many times I have to sit and ponder which path I am going to choose and I must admit, I have choosen paths that did not benefit me in the end, but I've learned from those and am better off for it!

So enjoy...laugh, cry, celebrate, and get excited with me about what God holds for all of us!!